“Fixin to” = A State of Preparation

by James Franklin

Here in the south we have a much beloved saying, “I’m fixin to,” go to the store or whatever. Suspecting Northerners perceive it as laziness. Actually, it is saying, “I am in a state of preparation,” that is, “I am mentally preparing myself for this task, event, or change.” For example, I told Samantha that I was “fixin to go to Michael’s craft store” because braving a slew of holiday shoppers, crafters, and the general disorder of the store takes a whole heap of mental preparation. I have to clear my mind (which only takes a second) and tap in to some inner peace or tranquil waters deep.

I’ve been fixin to do a lot lately.

Back when we were fixin to have a baby, Samantha and I prepared for our daughter’s arrival into our lives. Samantha prepared by reading and I prepared by freaking out and having a panic attack in the hospital.

On January 5th, I’m fixin to be priest. Planning an ordination is like a marriage ceremony (minus the Pinterest-y competitiveness to have the most unique and perfect wedding that ever happened on the planet.) Sure, there are details and planning involved but the point of the wedding is marriage – the point of an ordination is the office of the Sacred Order of the Priesthood. This fixin to get ordained has more to do with the inward, soul preparation of marriage. I am marrying again and this time it is to the church, the mission of the church, Jesus, his people, and St. James parish. A marriage, a relationship of this nature contains the best and worst of all that we are: the capacity to love deeply but also to wound; faithfulness but also risk of infidelity; joy and collective sorrow; health and sickness; new life and death.

Most folks like me who are fixin to be ordained take some sort of retreat or time of intentional preparation before such an undertaking to reflect on vows and listen to the Spirit. With its proximity to the bustle of the Advent and Christmas seasons, I may just have to get hitched and reflect on it soon thereafter! My intentional state of preparation will have to be service to my current office, my deaconal duties. (Not to mention, I’ve been fixin to be a priest for seven years now.)

Last but not least is the fixin to celebrate Christmas. You may have heard about Advent “preparation” around here from either the pulpit or formation hour. It always struck me as an odd thing to do: fixin to welcome Jesus into the world. I have this visual of “making room” as though our hearts are cluttered like an old garage in need of spring cleaning. It is probably not too far off from the truth – I hold a heap of stuff in my heart. Its contents are desires (earthly and unknown), my family, people I miss dearly, people I’ve hurt, that book I’ve been wanting, friends, and people for whom I have been praying. All of whom begrudgingly move aside at the news it is Advent again. They clear out a space on the couch in the living room for the guest of honor about to arrive.

There is room in this inn. As I prepare for big life events, I am reminded that hearts can always hold more than we think they can. God said, ‘I’m fixin to come into the world’ and told folks like John the baptist and Mary and Joseph to prepare the way. They are a reminder that no matter the clutter, our hearts always have room for Emmanuel.

The best news is, no matter how long we are fixin to let in the light of Christ, the light came long ago and is indeed already in the world and in our hearts. All the stuff in the heart (relationships, desires, vows, jobs, etc.) gathers round the light, is warmed by it, and if we let it, is defined by it.

The Rev. Deacon James Franklin is the assistant rector at St. James Episcopal Church, Wilmington, NC. He, his wife and nine month-old daughter recently moved to the area from Austin, TX where James was in seminary at Seminary of the Southwest.